Reality continues to ruin my life

The title of this post is a quote from Bill Watterson. I don't know what he was thinking; I don't know what kind of man he was; but I take from this statement a sense of longing for the unreachable, the burning passion for what will never be, a disappointment in being unable to be who you really are-the constant battle of 2 waring worlds - this one we live in and the one that goes on inside of us.

I don't know - is it wrong to blog when I feel like this" “Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living.”-Jonathon Safran Foer.

So why is "hope" so important? Why can almost every human live without almost anything, bar hope. Hope is the one thing that makes us go on. Hope that the sun will shine tomorrow, hope that the tears will stop, hope that laughing will become a daily exercise, hope that our children are being trained in the way they should go, hope that the baggage kids have in the next generation will not be unpackable,  hope that what happens today is not the end, hope that our lives don't end with one full-stop but rather a whole heap of them that leads us to the new paragraph of our life story.

I'm told that wishing my life away with dreams instead of living this life is wasteful. But why do some people get to live out their dreams or live in their dreams while others are left with the burden never knowing what its like to have a dream fulfilled? Or then there is the nasty truth, that some dreams are realised, but once there, they are more like a nightmare.

Have I depressed you yet?

Perhaps you don't like getting a glimpse of this stuff inside my head. But at the same time, if you know me, then you know that this is part of me. I am who I am. All the nicest moments of my life and personality are balanced out with craziness, confusion, 'haven't got it made', aspects too. And really, is there anyone who has lived that hasn't questioned their very existence?!

What I do know, is that I don't walk alone.
While I might struggle with what life throws at me, and I struggle with what goes on inside of myself, I don't struggle alone.

I have THE MOST WONDERFUL man in the world by my side. And I can never over-state that!
I have 4 AMAZINGLY PRECIOUS and UNIQUE little people in my care.
I have FRIENDS and I wouldn't, nah, couldn't, do life without them.
I have FAMILY, near and far, hard or easy, same or different, living or passed - I have heritage.

I know GOD.
The artist of this creation - the beauty of the one I live on and the beauty of the one I live in.

I relate to this sunflower that grew in my garden.
Its not as spatacular as normal ones, a reject in height and size.
Its stretched and strange in appearance.

But, it is looking in 2 directions, desperate to see more of the world than just what is straight infront of it, excepting the cost to itself just to have a boarder, fuller picture of the world around it.

A holiday in our van

Ah, there is nothing like a holiday to help you pretend that the real world doesn't exist and that enjoying God's creation and His people IS actually what you do everyday of your life.

Mind you, I am incredibly thankful for this wonderful van that God enabled us to have, but it is a love-hate relationship..... I LOVE it because it is so great and useful and cool, but I HATE it just sitting in our carport for months without being used. I WANT TO TRAVEL AUSTRALIA IN IT!!! and if I had my way, we would be doing just that, sooner rather than later. But God's timing is what matters and despite my feelings, I will stop on the Reds and I will go on the Greens:)

Our break took us to Wollongong and the caravan park had the biggest spaces to camp ever! It also had an indoor heated pool, which we were all pleased to enjoy, since the wind made the beach very undesirable to swim in. Other than that, you can probably imagine the chaos that 9 kids and 5 adults participated in over the 3 night stay:) The Kings, The Sabbens and The Armstrongs less a big sister and Daddy.

However, the fun you couldn't guess we had, was the day of tattooing.....scared? Well, I should have been! It started all very innocently as I used 6 glitter bodyart pens I had to start sharing some fun with the kids. After hours of "can I have a....." requests, the talk turned to "can I have a GO...." so I unleased their creative skills and my body was the sacrifice. BUT the awesome thing was I loved it! Attention! and lots of it! It felt like it does when someone brushes and plays with my hair! and the fun went on for hours (well, almost:). By the end I was COVERED-legs,feet, arms, hands, face, even inside my ears!

And another extraordinary time was when we braved going to the HUGE park near the beach. It wasn't until we got there, that all the adults turned to eachother and said "we should have dressed the kids in fluros". Amongst the other billion kids playing there they all looked the same! And while all the little kids had a glorious time running from one form of slide to another form of ride, my two big boys spent their whole time pushing a swing - load after load of kids, helping them on, helping them off, for near 1 and 1/2 hours the video explains! (Love my boys!)

Hmm... and what else? Really other than that, all you missed out on was, snot from my cold, sleepless nights with Swae, Ezri's eczema that flared up from the sea, whinging from boys about who gets the play what electronic device next, a traffic jam on the highway on the way home....etc etc.

No really, it was a lovely time away, we shared a meal at Hog's Breath ('cos kids ate for free!), games nights, laughing at Linda getting the giggles, lots of snuggles with lots of kids (Karen's littlest never sat in a chair, she sat on a free lap), endless times of chasing the seagulls, riding bikes/skates/scooters and just enjoying a good sit!

That's holidays with the Sabbens!

PS - Yes, I am aware that I have not shared a photo of Kael, but do you know how hard it is to get a good picture of a 10 year old?

Years later......(almost anyway - Freaky)

Oh my, how many things have come and gone in our life and changed since my last update!!!! I can't believe the adventures that have happened since.... almost 2 years of them now.

I sit here in bed on the 4th April 2012 sick with a cold and thought it would be nice to take a trip down memory lane of the blog I once started.

What is really cool is reading the things I wrote, about my life and our life as a family, and today I feel encouraged and blessed:)

The adventures that follows in the months after my last blog are incredible and amazing but cutting to the point, I completed my year of study at Capernwray, then Garth complete the same course at Capers in 2011 and now this year Garth is employeed as Ministry Coordinator at Capernwray! (I also help out where I can:)

Can you also believe that my biggest boy Rykr started High School this year? Actually, if you check out his photo - of course you can believe it, because he is huge - now offically taller than me! It also blows my mind that Kael is in year 5 and has started learning to play the cello and he is amazing - natural talent and love! And while we are on the mind blowing up dates, Ezri started school and is loving kindergarten - trust me, she was made for it! And as for Swae... well, somethings never change and she is one - we still don't sleep well, she still spends lots of time whinging and crying and demanding affection. But she's blonde and cute and our baby, its truly freaky what you learn to love - hee hee:)

Best of all, is Garth and I - how awesome is our God that he strengthens and builds our marriage, so much so, that it is truly like no other and I wouldn't want it any other way! Together since Jan 1993 and married since Nov 1997 and we are still hopelessly in love with each other and pathetic at arguments - we just can't seem to manage to do them!

Probably the best bit of our new job at capers is getting along side the students and witnessing marriage and family to them - we LOVE having people in our house and we LOVE feeding them, having fun together, talking, sharing and supporting them and giving them a place to stay when needed.

I need to make more time to appreciate my unique family, tell them how special they are, and how I really am thankful to God for Our Sabben Tales.

T2 - Week Seven

Garth's download first: It was hard - Lena said it all; "She can't go a minute without her love" - but he had to go for a week!(Apologies to those that aren't Eurovision fans). Garth was lost, with half of himself in Nowra so it was a great relief to be able to pull himself back together at the end of the week when Cass returned (and she came home an evening earlier!). But the kids were good to him until the end of the week when Cass' absence started to take its toll on Ezri - waking up frequently at night and demanding snuggles during the day, so nothing got done. All in all, though, the time did NOT bode well for the three week absence that will occur in a months time. We did get Linda to come over on Friday night so that we could go out for Chinese, just the two of us, to get to know one another again. Then, Mark Glenn took Garth to see Prince of Persia, so the week ended on a high note.

Cass' download:(Here we go!) Well, to start at the end, it was soooo nice to come home and the kids were very welcoming on my return! I was even given a Lego Movie on DVD made by Rykr and Kael - it was awesome and cute! I love my kids!

As for Prac week - 4 Church services, 1 Youth Group, 1 Nursing Home service, 3 school Chapel services, 1 Bible Study, 1 Home church with dinner service for 'challenged' people, 1 school lunch time group and HEAPS of High school Scripture lessons later......... That was my week. It was lots of work, long days and hard not to feel like to odd one out but I did love it. I was encouraged to meet lots of High School scripture teachers and Chaplins and I learnt a lot from them. I loved seeing God work in the classrooms - especially with the rough ones, where the kids are ratty and rude but in no time at all they have settled and are listening to every word. On 2 occasions the class clowns who made our task challenging turned around and apologised, shook our hands and then hang around to chat at lunch! The other Capernwray students had so many 'up front' talents and I was pleased to be a part of their team but my niche was giving my devotional talks in the class room and small group time, when you really get the talk and find out where the kids are at. Over the course of the week I don't think I spent very much time feeling 'comfortable' but I have to say that all my dear friends were right - I was exactly where God wanted me to be and as hard as it was to work with a team that were so different to me, I loved the work we did! And by the generosity of my team leader and the other team members I was excused from staying to do the classes on Friday and that is why I came home early.

I have learnt that I really want to be High school scripture teacher....so let's see what happens in the future but in the mean time I will pray!

T2 - Week Six

The week was all mixed up and was probably the most challenging both mentally and emotionally. At Capernwray I basically spent all week preparing for Prac Week. The Prac team I am in is going to Nowra and we will be teaching scripture lessons to High school students plus visiting nursing homes and bible studies and church services. The idea is for us to get hands-on experience of sharing Christ with other people. I love the work we will be doing, but I feel like such a third wheel on the team. They are all 18-19yr olds and then there is me... And the idea of being away from the family for 8 nights was not fun either.
Well, Thursday come and I travelled down (with all my friends i.e. no one came in my car) to ‘All saints’ Anglican Church in Nowra. The whole trip I spent questioning why I was going because I have taught scripture for 5 years and I have had plenty of experience in sharing God with lots of different people... but I knew I needed to go at least for Friday because we had 2 seminars to run at a high school and I was involved in them, so I couldn’t let the side down. But God is good and calmed me down to help focus on what needed to be done. That night I spent at my billot’s house and they were lovely – just a mum and her working daughter – I got on with them immediately.
Friday morning was an early start and I was keen to get the day over. I loved seeing all the students and we presented the same seminar once to year 9 and then to year 10. Our team sung songs, performed a drama, gave testimonies, talks and showed videos we had made. It was a great programme. I was really only involved in the drama so most of the time I spent off stage praying. It was hard to feel a team member when I had no up-front talents to use but God knew that and after the last seminar I spotted some girls hanging around outside the school hall and so I went out to them- they then spent the whole of their lunch time talking with me about lots of heavy stuff with a bit of general life and fun thrown in too. What a blessing! I love that kind of thing and it was a great way to finish the day.
That evening I went back home, desperate to see the family and I was glad I did – so glad that I stayed home for 2 nights and left early Sunday morning to return to the team for the rest of Prac week. It was great to hang out with Garth and the kids – we went shopping, we went to the skate park and Saturday night was family night so I was pleased to be able to stay and hang with the boys and play cards with them.


The week for everyone else consisted of routine, routine, routine.....routine is good. But to include some events that we missed blogging about previously: Garth did take the boys one afternoon to see Iron Man 2 which was awesome and set up for Thor (nerds will know what that means!); somewhere in here I had the pleasure of cutting the hair of a toddler that wasn't my own; the kids are thriving at going to the skate park almost everyday; And Garth conquered 'Dragon Age' which took 78 hours and then 'Portal' which took just over 2 hours (again, nerds will know what Garth is talking about here, for this is what he gets up to when Cass is at night lectures).

I also had another meeting for my trip to India where we organised our visas and I went to the doctors and received 4 needles and more scripts for other recommended medications to take with me! I am looking forward to it but my brain is solely focused on getting through prac week.....

T2 - Week Five

Lectures this week were delivered from Peter Thomsett who is a school Chaplin from Sydney and he spoke on evangelism but because he was travelling each time we only had 8 lectures from him. They were great though and he gave us a great booklet that he developed called ‘Harvesting harvesters’. It was a week that I had to do a bible study on this topic so I pick Matthew 28:19-20 and really enjoyed my time researching for the study.
Monday was a lengthy but informative visit to the GP with the other 3 students going to India. The doctor was so helpful in letting us know what to avoid and how to avoid it and I was really pleased to have organised it.
‘Quiet Day’ at Capernwray was Tuesday and I finished reading a great book called The Saving Life of Christ. Then I read the whole of Deuteronomy and was quite depressed by the end of it. There is Moses, warning his people of how to stay out of trouble over and over again and then at the end of the book God says to Moses – you know what Moses, these people are going to do all those dumb things anyway – and what made me more depressed was that I understood exactly how that feels when I say the same thing over and over to my kids and they do the dumb things anyway! BUT that night all the students and staff got together to share and I was so encouraged to remember that God is in our every day and today is the day that matters – even though dumb stuff happens, God gets us through it all – Forgiving us and teaching us and loving us! What a great God!
Garth attempted to sell Brownies through the church – the first time was successful, the second left us with unsold batches. So, he has discovered that it is not the way to start a business and perhaps we need to get a Face Book Page going and then just cook to orders...what do you think? Otherwise for the most part of the week Garth just followed the routine and assimilated the knowledge that he didn't have his wife around for 1 day last weekend, the whole weekend this week and then the entire week the week after and THEN for 3 weeks in July!!!! Crazy!

Kael had a fun excursion this week to the Maritime Museum with his class at school. He came home suitably tired and full of outrageous stories! He is such a great story teller - we just wish he could spit his words out with a bit more clarity sometimes, but his passion to get the the end of the story overcomes the need to say all the words properly.
I have to admit though, that the highlight for me this week was the CWCI women’s convention that I attended near Yass. I travelled down with some of my dearest friends and the whole weekend was such a great time of catching up with them. The theme for the weekend was ‘where is your focus?’ and the speaker lead her talks based on the differences between King Saul and King David – and it was awesome! I felt like I should be in lectures again and I could have easily taken pages of notes but thankfully the speaker was happy to send me her notes so I look forward to receiving them. The food at the camp site was fabulous and the fellowship with all those Godly women was amazing. What a great ministry CWCI is!

T2 - Week Four

This week I enjoyed working with 4 other Capernwray students to programme and run Snac – the Sunday night service for the community. It all seemed to fall into place quite quickly and the team worked really well together. I started off the most enthusiastic member dragging the others along but by the actual night the tides had turned. I was lacking energy and desire to be there but the rest of the team were now excited and I was glad to have them there. We presented a really effective skit and we all got to talk- my bit was on surrendering to God and how that is a good thing. That we don’t surrender out of defeat but out of trust. The whole night went smoothly and lots of people enjoyed it.
The Lectures were hosted by Jerry Benjamin – an American Christian Jew – and he spoke at great length and in great detail about ‘Revelation’. I Loved it! He focused on Christ throughout this book and clearly explained lots of bits I never understood before and gave me a great ‘over all’ view of how this book fits into the Bible. My brain (and writing hand!) got a thorough workout!
Friday night we invited 2 of the students around for dinner, then Garth left so we could have some girl-time chatting and I taught them how to knit and make teddy bears and after they left their was still enough time to have my dear Linda around for our normal Friday night of 'Monk' - It was great and I showed off my crochet blanket I finally finshed!

Saturday though, I took one of the students who got engaged at the beginning of the year, wedding dress shopping. We took 3 other students too and travelled to Canberra, since these Canadians hadn’t visited there yet. I was such a great day and we decided that Taralyn looked fabulous in every dress! She could even get away with wearing the really wild dresses – what a hassle to be beautiful! I was glad to be a part of this special day but when I look back on it, it must have seemed quite weird to the rest of the world to see four 19 year old girls walking around with me.... I decided I could probably get away with looking like the mother of the bride! Oh well!
School for the boys involved their NAPLAN test – stupid government tests designed to rank your child’s academic abilities against every other child of the same age in to the state. Really, who cares as long as my babies are doing their best!!!! Garth wants to know where they will hold the ‘Battle Royale’ to rank your child’s physical abilities – boy, would ours kick butt then!
Garth’s routine is established: Mondays – Playgroup; Tuesday – Firewood and girls go to Ma and Puppa’s for some much needed grandparent spoiling; Wednesday – is fondly named ‘Garth’s weekend’ as the girls go to Libby’s for the morning, involving lots of friends and playing!; Thursday – catch up on house work that has been ignored from the first 3 days of the week and Friday – is shopping and preparation for the weekend! What a man... could I get any better!
(This week we forked out hundreds of dollars on immunisations for my trip to India...Scary!)